It's our choice

THE REV. JERRY ROGERS
GUEST COLUMNIST

I heard the minister say, “If you haven’t forgotten you haven’t forgiven.” When I heard this comment I was most certain that I had misunderstood what he had said, but then to my astonishment he said it again. Sadly I pondered how much damage he had just done to the psyche of those in his congregation who were struggling with unforgiveness. What he had just said was most certainly incorrect.

Unfortunately many, to which he was preaching, were giving him a pretty hearty “Amen”. After hearing this “sermon” I was really troubled about what the minister had told his congregation but I made the choice not to question him, after the service, about his comment. I hope that an elder in his congregation, knowledgeable in the word, has since, in love and compassion, questioned the Pastor about his error and has helped him to understand that what he had said was wrong.

Most all of us have been deeply offended by someone. The hurt and pain that took hold in our life, from that offense, was real. The flood of emotions, which swept over us at the time, and days following, were intense and normal.

YES, I said, “NORMAL.”

Somewhere in our “theology” and religious instruction we, who profess to be Christian, have grasped the idea that if we are truly a Christian then we will NEVER be angry, have the urge to be vengeful, or be unforgiving. Where in the Christian scriptures does it say this?

I’ll give you a hint; it doesn’t.

One of the most common things I have to deal with, as a counselor, is the area of unforgiveness. It is sad to see someone who has become so consumed with unforgiveness that their life has started to “fall apart” and emotionally they have become so “strung out” that they end up in front of me asking for help. The one thing I hear said time after time is, “I can never forgive them for what they have done to me.” The seething anger, deep-seated pain and now physical and emotional problems, that have driven them to seek counseling, are usually so evident within the first few minutes of counseling it is at times very frightening.

What is forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness means to give up the resentment and feelings of having the right to “punish”, “get back” or “get even” with someone who has wronged you.

Notice I did not say, nor does any dictionary I am aware of, anything about forgiveness involving forgetting?

Forgiveness is a choice. We must mentally choose to forgive someone who has hurt us. No, the emotions to forgive, or the feeling of forgiveness may not be present, but the heart and spirit can choose to forgive. How many times have you heard that it is “mind over matter”? Though this can be construed to be secular, in generality, the truth is God has given us the ability to choose. He has given to each of us the freedom to choose what we do.

Don’t let anyone tell you that forgiving is always easy but don’t delude yourself into believing that you can never forgive. In the book of Ephesians, we are told to put away bitterness, wrath and anger along with malice. The memories of the offense will remain and truly, only God has the ability to totally forget. Though we will never, in our mortal life forget what has been done to us, we do not have to be enslaved by the emotional pain it has created.

God has given us the ability to choose forgiveness and let go of the hurt, or to die a slow death emotionally and suffer physically by holding onto it.

Which will you choose?

The Rev. Jerry L Rogers is the pastoral counseling minister of sure HOPE Christian Assembly in Middletown, Ohio.